Crows Stealing iPods

Added: Jun 7, 2009   By: nalts

Duration: 2:8

Channel: Comedy

Crows are really smart. A guy taught one to find coins and deposit them into a machine, which would dispense a peanut. When I breed a murder of crows that steal electronics (iPhones, digital cameras and PDAs) I'm going to get really rich, and it will only cost me peanuts and maybe a decade. Want to invest? http://www.kevinnalts.com SCRIPT: Crows are a nuisance, right? They root through garbage, and caw us from our slumber. But what if I could train the species- which top the avian IQ scale - to be my minions? I'd be rich, and you'll see why. You see recently while digging up an old brick path, I noticed that crows were hanging around my brick pile to gather the worms I made homeless. Then I read in a recent O Magazine (look- Oprah with puppies) about a hacker named Joshua Klein who spent a decade studying crows, and discovered they're highly intelligent and adept at making the human environment work in their favor. In Japan the black corvids drop tough nuts into traffic so cars crush them, then the genus wait for pedestrian lights to retrieve them. Get this- Klein invented a wooden box and taught his crow to put a coin in the chute, as it would dispense a tasty peanut. So what, you say? You don't get it. He hopes his feathered friend will teach a murder of crows at a nearby dump to gather and deposit coins for him- imagine them as the hacker's minions, collecting billions lost coins. What? Nothing is impossible. Ask Edison. No he's dead. Ask "The Raven" poet Edgar Allen Poe. Or reference, if you will, classical mythology, when a crow told the god Apollo that his lover Coronis was cheating on him with a mortal. Pigeons couldn't do that. My first plan was to have my minion crows carry advertisements for Nalts shirts and DVDs. But then I remembered that the medium is the message. You'd spend like lemmings with their first Visa card if the crow looked like Caitlin Hill. But crows are sadly on the wrong side of the snake-to-puppy continuum. So plan B is in effect. I'm going to become the Dickinseon "Fagin" of rural Pennsylvanian crows. Charity's fine, subscribe to mine. You've got to pick an iPhone or two. Crows have learned to use tools, so they'll be easily persuaded to collect mobile phones, PDAs and digital cameras (and remember it will cost me peanuts). Then I'll breed giant crows, capable of retrieving laptops and even bricks of cash on route to ATMs. I'll create a costume and become EVIL CAPTAIN CROW, and I'll be unstoppable. Nothing is impossible.

Rating: 4.6615386' max='5' min='1' numRaters='1495' rel='http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#overall ( ratings)

Views:   |   Comments: 720

Tags: crows  ipod  steal  camera  bird  oprah  magazine  joshua  klein  device  box  coins  dispense  peanuts  japan  cars  pedestrian  lights  phones  electronics  thief  nalts  comedy  happyslip